Monday, August 15, 2005

Say It Ain't So

Well kids, this weekend I got word from the underground that Manny has tested positive for steroids. The reason that it hasn’t been on ESPN or in the papers yet, I’m told, is that it’s still in arbitration. (Raffy and the other shooters went through the same pre-announcement arbitration ordeal. In fact with Raffy I think it lasted almost a couple of months.)

Maybe it’s a hoax (perpetrated by a Sheffield fan no doubt!) or maybe it’s true and Manny will somehow prevail in arbitration so that it never comes to light. But if it IS true – and this DOES come out in the open – then we’re about to experience Mannygeddon. Perhaps the saddest commentary that I can offer you is the fact that the prospect of Manny on roids does, indeed, seem plausible. Not as much as a bunch of other guys I can think of doing roids, but… Manny Being Manny will take on new meaning.

So let’s pretend this IS going to happen, and allow me to pre-empt the vultures with the following points of reason. (Then I won’t have to write about it if it actually happens.)

To Manny:

- I STILL LOVE YOU!!!
- But if you juiced, this time I AM going to be mad at you, bro. (As mad as one can be at Manny!) So please do this for me: Be a Giambi. Don’t be a Raffy-Sheff-Bonds. Admit wrong-doing, beg for forgiveness, apologize to RSN. Weather the storm, and then we can all move on.
- PLEASE don’t pull the old “I have no idea how human growth hormone could have snuck its way into my enchilada” routine. SPARE US the indignity.
- I wonder if this is why you wanted to leave Boston two weeks ago. Because maybe you didn’t want to be around when the poop hit the rotating blades. Hmmm…
- Stay positive. Stay focused. Don’t get down on yourself or on the fans when they boo you. And next time just say NO.
- You’ve got the best teammates in the world and a pretty understanding coach. Listen to them!

To Fellow Sox fans:

- The saddest thing of all will be accepting the fact that the “sweet swingin’ days” of Manny Ramirez may have been juiced. If that’s the case, load up on Zoloft and Paxcil and Tequila. And call your fellow Sox support hotlines because we’re all gonna need to help each other through the crisis with some Manny-therapy.
- Yes, this will be a sad day in Sox history, but not as sad as any of those tough losses in ‘03 or ye olde 20th century. This is an hombre-made problemo and the hombre will just have to take his deserved darts of poison for a while. So will the team and the management.
- We as fans don’t have to take any darts. We didn’t inject the juice (we just drank the kool-aid). So don’t take any junk from people. Draw a line in the sand!
- Don’t despair the ’05 season. If Manny broke the rules, he broke the rules. We lose him for 10 days, he comes back, we win it all. Let’s not let the team get down and let’s keep pushing forward in his absence.
- In your saddest moments, remember the TROPHY!! Fire up the ’04 DVD!! Woo woo!!

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

CITE YOUR SOURCES!!!!

9:24 AM  
Anonymous peter* said...

This is pure fiction, and I WILL site my source-----ME. Nobody get your dander up. This is the EXACT wrong time of the season for rumors like this to be blabbed, And this is blabbing. I hope the Sox don't have any more .500 baseball left in the season, cuz the Jerkees are going to hang in there.And if we don't win the division, my social calender for october will fill in quickly with the free time suddenly and unwantedly bestowed upon me. Say it ain't so.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous peter* said...

It still burns me up that you can make public this kind of shit. Wait instead of....A. Distressing people......B.Making your blog look like shit when this NEVER happens. I will apologize if I'm wrong but there's a better chance that a pig will hit me in the head on his flight to Logan.

12:13 PM  

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