Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Memo to Tito, RE: All-Star Lineup

Dude. The power to get home field advantage is in your hands. This is a very winnable game. Follow these simple instructions and we’ll be looking at a Game 7 in Fenway. I know you have to start the pretty boys who the fans voted for, but get the gamers into the lineup as fast as you can! Here’s the ideal scenario:

C – If you want to win, start Varitek. And you’re doing well with I-Rod off the bench. But don’t go deeper than that. No Pierzynski, no Mauer, no Victor Martinez. Don’t mess with anything like that.
1B – Take Teixera as far as you can go with him. Konerko comes in later in the game. No Travis Hafner or Erstad or any of those lightweights. OK, if you have to, use Erstad. But no Palmeiro.
2B – Brian Roberts has to start, but get Soriano in the game as fast as you can, and leave him there. No Bret Boone, no Chone Figgins, no Tag Iguchi.
SS – Tejada baby. Jeter comes in later, but get Tejada three at-bats. If you have to go deeper, go with ER or Cabrera for the experience.
3B – It has to be A-Rod. He could homer early. But since we’ll need clutch hitting later, bring in Mota off the bench. Keep Blalock and Huff on the pine. Don't invite Chavez.
OF – Manny, Johnny D and Guerrero. After a couple of swings, bring Ichiro in for Manny. If you have a lead, bring Torii Hunter in for Johnny D to protect the alleys. If you’re behind, Matsui or Sheffield can go deep. And just in case you need to manufacture one run, keep Crawford on the bench. Podsednik has to sit.
DH – Papi baby. And leave him in the WHOLE GAME – no substitutes.
SP – Halladay starts, you’ll get 3 flawless innings. Trust me on this one. Then get 2 from Santana. I know you have to play the White Sox, so give Buehrle and Garland each an inning. But put them on a short leash.
RP – Give the Big Unit an inning, he knows how to get tough hitters out. PLEASE don’t play Clement, it will mess up his head for the rest of the year. And the following guys could implode, so don’t let them ANYWHERE near the mound: Shields, Bonderman, Bartolo Colon, Wickman, Guardado, F-Rod. And I know you’re not thinking about using Foulke… Right? RIGHT? Don’t use any middle relievers like Timlin, either. Go with the real starters for 1 inning each. Close with Mariano… don’t use anyone else, even if they have twice as many saves. They’re all pretenders.

Thanks. See you in October.
E

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