Tuesday, April 26, 2005

No More, No More

I can no longer empathize with Boston fans. You see, during the 5th inning of last night's Red Sox/Orioles game, I decided to jettison the only Boston player on my fantasy baseball roster: David Wells. I had great hopes for him. Not only do I love his personality (in that John Daly kind of way), I fundamentally love the way he pitches. He's a southpaw with a huge overhand curveball that gets mixed in with a sneaky-quick fastball, works quickly, and doesn't walk guys. Unfortunately, this was overshadowed by too many things:

1. He gives up too many dingers.
2. He pitches in a hitter's ballpark.
3. He pitches in the American League (aka The 27, not 24, League)
4. He pitches in the hardest division in baseball (19 against the Yankees, Orioles, Blue Jays and those pesky Devil Rays has got to weigh on you)

Oh yeah, one more thing: With the exception of his rubber arm, he's just about ready to fall apart. He's like the opposite of Achilles. Achilles' lone weakness was his heel. Wells' lone strength is his left arm. God only knows when he's going to have a hernia, sprain an ankle (Yahtzee!), yank a hammy, need a major organ transplant, or develop full blown coronary heart disease... It's just about time to hang up the spikes and put on the donut eating pants. You know the ones. They have a really stretchy waistband and are impervious to stains. On both the outside and the inside.


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